Man-tors

Those of you that are reading this, that have had any sort of conversation with me over the past two years, have probably heard of my idea for a weekly session for men. In my imaginary world, where dirty underwear flies from arse to hamper, and men have a six beer physical limit, men would also have to attend a mandatory weekly session called 'Man-tors' (get it? Like mentor, but with....never mind, you get it).

The 'Man-tors' concept stems from conversations I have had with my closest girlfriends over the past few years, as many of us have entered motherhood with our respective partners. Not to say that men without children couldn't stand to attend a 'Man-tors' session or two, but I believe that having children can help fuel moments when you are looking at your husband, and you are just thinking to yourself  "How is it that you are this stupid?"

Now before I go on about my 'Man-tors' concept, let me preface it by saying my husband is amazing. He has more patience with our girls than I do, he always appreciates, but never expects meals (and he does the supper dishes every night), clean clothes, etc. He does not have a weak gag reflex, and has been pooped, farted, puked and "shissed" on, which he can explain to you the next time you see him.

But I do believe that there are older men out there, who have been happily married for 10, 20, 30 or more years, that could help these new husbands and fathers avoid some common pitfalls.

For example, this list includes, but is not limited to:

• When our birthday/anniversary is approaching, and you ask us what we would like for a gift (which is a stupid move right off the bat. Spa gift certificate is always the answer when in doubt), and we say "Nothing", this is a lie!! WE ARE TESTING YOU!! We always want something. And we deserve it. We worked hard for the spa foot bath, or pair of slippers, or card that sings to us when we open it.
• When we have a baby, and our nipples are bleeding, and our roots are showing, and we haven't showered in three days, or slept in four, spend the freakin' $10 for those cheap-ass flowers at the checkout at Sobey's/Superstore, etc. That is all it will take to peel back those layers of evil for you to get a glimpse at the woman you married.
• Also, on the subject of babies, once we have one, Mother's Day is a big deal. Especially if we are still in the midst of the no-sleep-breast-pump-10-diaper-a-day phase. Whatever you were thinking of spending on the gift, double-it. We deserve it!
• When we go out for a night, a night when we will be enjoying a few drinks, just because you can physically consume a higher volume of alcohol than me, does not make me the automatic designated driver because I am only on drink 2 and you are on drink 19.

These are all topics the men would discuss at one of their weekly meetings. It would be like those Chicken Soup books, but for men, and without reading.

So to those men out there, the older, wise, kind men with long, healthy marriages or relationships under their belts, be selfish no more. We all know how amusing it can be to watch the younger generation trying, but never quite hitting the proverbial relationship home-run. This is a selfish attitude. Help them. Guide them. Whisper in their ear when you know they are going to say something stupid. Come up with a code word that means "RETREAT!" back to the mancave to regroup.

To close out this post, I know I am not alone when I say that I have been known to watch a little "Real Housewives of....(pick a city, I watch them all)" from time to time, and to quote Joe Guidice from New Jersey:

Ladies, any other instances we could add to the 'Man-tors' curriculum? And no, Jeff Keough, 'Man-tours' sessions will not serve beer, or be taught be a super-hot chick. Both of those were his suggestions.